hey everyone soo i know i havent posted in awhile, ive been working alot lately. its almost been 1 month on horomones and so far ive noticed softning of the skin and my nipples are becoming really sensitive to touch! ive also had random pains throughout my body and ivr been really emotional lately!  this is going to be a short post but im going to end with some bad news. ive seem to have found a lump in my testicle thst im not sure if its a tied up/knotting vein or something serious = / well thanks for reading i love you all! <3 :)

HOROMONES!

hey everyone sorry ive been mia this whole time, i havent had anything new happen until today! today marks the start of my HRT! i saw the doctor (closest avialble one is 375 miles away... hate driving now!) and she filled out a prescript!!! i am now waiting at the pharmacy for the spiro/estrogen right now and i am filled with SOOOOO much excitement! finally things are starting to seem brighter.. :)

Difficulties so far

So i excpect thier to be difficulities with transition obv. However so far the most fustrating are working on my voice and comeing out to my parents (tech. already did but his time im going to cement it that its not a phase because thats the way they currently see it.) Working on my female voice has been something of a challange. Unfortanutly for me all the men in my family have really deep voices so bc of testostrone i also have a deep voice. so far the videos on youtube and resources i can find on the internet have been helpful when it comes to raise my pitch (it's almost in the female range after 4 months of practicing) how ever once i reach near to/ in to the female range i still sound male bc of how i use my voice and so i try to change the intonation but then my voice seems to drop down lower. i usally end up sounding like a femme gay guy which gets annoying after awhile. Anybody have any tips when it comes to voice?

Gender Identiy Vs Sexcual Orientation

So something that has came up throughout my past and to me currently is that when i tell someone im trans they either assume im attracted to men or they ask me if im gay. Now to start off when you ask me if i am gay that confuses the hell out of me. Hypothetically speaking lets say im into men well i just told you that i identify myself as female so if you ask me if im gay i'd say no however you might take it as i am into women because legally standing atm i am male. So asking if im gay or straight is very confusing bc i dont know where i stand in your mind compared to were i stand with my self =P. So save me the confusion and ask if i am into Guys or if im into Women bc then it'll be easier for me to tell you. Sort of... I say sort of basically bc i feel conflicted. I have been with both men and women, however i have never "dated" a man. I feel like theres more of an emotional connection between me and a women but this could be bc i have only had girlfriends and no boyrfriends or maybe its bc girls are more connected to thier emotions or maybe its bc im not really attracted to "gay guys" which unfortauntly the only guys that would be interested in my currently are gay guys lol (i look femme but still obv. male. i'll put up pictures once i get comfortable with my blog but basically my hair is below my ears but above my shoulders and i got my eyebrows waxed/shaped with a slight arch.) When i see men that dont have the "gay vibe" I find my self looking at thier physical features and loveing the way they walk. It seems that im more attracted to men physically but women emotionally. This will probly become more clear down the road of my transition. The main thing i wanted to say in this post (and i hope its helpful to people out there) is that Gender Identiy and Sexcual orientation are two seprete things. Just because you indentify as female doesn't mean that you should be attracted to men and vise versa. I also hope that i didnt offend anyone in this post some how, its really really really early in the morning so i'm becoming more lazy in these post XD <3

Interested in Transition thingys?

My first post should have probly been the reason behind the blog and not my summarized/disorganized past-present.
So basically the reason for this blog is bc i need a place to store bottled up thoughts and express my self even if no one sees/reads these posts it helps with anxiety. Its kind of like an online storage were i can keep everything and anything. And also if you do not support LGBT that doesn't bother me (well ya it kinda does) but I understand that you can't accept or don't understand LGBT and that is due to your own personall belief and opinion. The only thing i ask of the people who don't support LGBT is before you lash out in hatred or anger or post discrimantory things to just take the time and try to rationalize things from our point of view or just respect our beliefs enough to not try and make things harder for us. There are things that i hate/disagree with in this world to but im not going to personally and intentionally hurt people and make them feel bad for thier opinions. So if you are against LGBT respect me enough to save me the intintional harrassment. now that thats out of the way Through out this blog i am going to post random thoughts about LGBT and i am also going to be talking about what going through transition is like. Since i am at the begining i can hopefully make things very desriptive. I will be talking about every aspect of my transition on here. From the effects of horomones to how the community treats me on a daily basis. I will be talking about things that work for me and things that don't. Just keep in mind that im assumeing everyones transition is differnt so dont expect yours to be exactly like mine, i am truly blessed to have close friends and family who are more accepting than the average family. (based on past expiernce not sure how things will turn out throughout my transition obv) so wether you are interested in my life or you want to know what its like for transgendered people going through transition or if you are just plain bored and you are going to use my blogs as a means of what i excepect minimal entertainment, i hope you find my blog helpful in anyway and also am looking forward to any and all input (unless its plain out bashing of LGBT) Thank you for reading <3

Deidcated to my mother

I am in understanding that my mother will most likely never ever read this but i just wanted to post this anyway.
Mom you have always been there for me and stood up for me wether i was right or wrong. You loved me unconditionally despite my failures. When i failed you held me up when i achieved you made sure to make me know you were proud. You have taught me just about everything in life. From how to trust to how to love. How to feel happiness. How to be strong and proud. How to stand tall! and how to be modest. You have taught me soo many things and even after all this time through my life you continue to teach me. I have not ever once in my life found someone as strong-willed (or stubborn XD lol) and inspring as you. Because of your inspiration and love i am able to excel in everything i do. If it wasnt for you i wouldn't be a leader in the work place. i wouldn't be able to stand up for myself or the under dog. I wouldn't be able to take negitivity of any kind. But bc of you i am able to amazing things and inspire others (hopefully) My relationship with you has been the strongest relationship i have ever had and will ever had. No matter what obstacles come our way in the future i hope that we can remain close. I hope that when i tell you about my transition that you will still love me the same as your child. Because even though im not your son i am still your child. and no matter what happens and no matter how you react i will ALWAYS UNCONDITIONALLY love you. And if we grow distant (really really really hope thats not the case) you will still be my inspiration, idol, role model but most of all my mom. i love you so much and i am so lucky god has blessed me with such an amazing friend within my life! <3

Name?

Ok so what is a blog without discussions and input so im hopeing to get some input on a name. Im not sure if i should go with Allison or Nicole. I like the sound of Allie more than Nichole or Nikki but i feel like i would respond better Nichole than Allison, How ever i feel like i would respond better to Allie than Nikki and bc i like short nicknames that involve your name i would most likely prefer Allie... Also i dont want my name to be super uncommon and im not sure how commone Allison and Nichole are... Any Input?