hey everyone soo i know i havent posted in awhile, ive been working alot lately. its almost been 1 month on horomones and so far ive noticed softning of the skin and my nipples are becoming really sensitive to touch! ive also had random pains throughout my body and ivr been really emotional lately!  this is going to be a short post but im going to end with some bad news. ive seem to have found a lump in my testicle thst im not sure if its a tied up/knotting vein or something serious = / well thanks for reading i love you all! <3 :)

HOROMONES!

hey everyone sorry ive been mia this whole time, i havent had anything new happen until today! today marks the start of my HRT! i saw the doctor (closest avialble one is 375 miles away... hate driving now!) and she filled out a prescript!!! i am now waiting at the pharmacy for the spiro/estrogen right now and i am filled with SOOOOO much excitement! finally things are starting to seem brighter.. :)

Difficulties so far

So i excpect thier to be difficulities with transition obv. However so far the most fustrating are working on my voice and comeing out to my parents (tech. already did but his time im going to cement it that its not a phase because thats the way they currently see it.) Working on my female voice has been something of a challange. Unfortanutly for me all the men in my family have really deep voices so bc of testostrone i also have a deep voice. so far the videos on youtube and resources i can find on the internet have been helpful when it comes to raise my pitch (it's almost in the female range after 4 months of practicing) how ever once i reach near to/ in to the female range i still sound male bc of how i use my voice and so i try to change the intonation but then my voice seems to drop down lower. i usally end up sounding like a femme gay guy which gets annoying after awhile. Anybody have any tips when it comes to voice?

Gender Identiy Vs Sexcual Orientation

So something that has came up throughout my past and to me currently is that when i tell someone im trans they either assume im attracted to men or they ask me if im gay. Now to start off when you ask me if i am gay that confuses the hell out of me. Hypothetically speaking lets say im into men well i just told you that i identify myself as female so if you ask me if im gay i'd say no however you might take it as i am into women because legally standing atm i am male. So asking if im gay or straight is very confusing bc i dont know where i stand in your mind compared to were i stand with my self =P. So save me the confusion and ask if i am into Guys or if im into Women bc then it'll be easier for me to tell you. Sort of... I say sort of basically bc i feel conflicted. I have been with both men and women, however i have never "dated" a man. I feel like theres more of an emotional connection between me and a women but this could be bc i have only had girlfriends and no boyrfriends or maybe its bc girls are more connected to thier emotions or maybe its bc im not really attracted to "gay guys" which unfortauntly the only guys that would be interested in my currently are gay guys lol (i look femme but still obv. male. i'll put up pictures once i get comfortable with my blog but basically my hair is below my ears but above my shoulders and i got my eyebrows waxed/shaped with a slight arch.) When i see men that dont have the "gay vibe" I find my self looking at thier physical features and loveing the way they walk. It seems that im more attracted to men physically but women emotionally. This will probly become more clear down the road of my transition. The main thing i wanted to say in this post (and i hope its helpful to people out there) is that Gender Identiy and Sexcual orientation are two seprete things. Just because you indentify as female doesn't mean that you should be attracted to men and vise versa. I also hope that i didnt offend anyone in this post some how, its really really really early in the morning so i'm becoming more lazy in these post XD <3

Interested in Transition thingys?

My first post should have probly been the reason behind the blog and not my summarized/disorganized past-present.
So basically the reason for this blog is bc i need a place to store bottled up thoughts and express my self even if no one sees/reads these posts it helps with anxiety. Its kind of like an online storage were i can keep everything and anything. And also if you do not support LGBT that doesn't bother me (well ya it kinda does) but I understand that you can't accept or don't understand LGBT and that is due to your own personall belief and opinion. The only thing i ask of the people who don't support LGBT is before you lash out in hatred or anger or post discrimantory things to just take the time and try to rationalize things from our point of view or just respect our beliefs enough to not try and make things harder for us. There are things that i hate/disagree with in this world to but im not going to personally and intentionally hurt people and make them feel bad for thier opinions. So if you are against LGBT respect me enough to save me the intintional harrassment. now that thats out of the way Through out this blog i am going to post random thoughts about LGBT and i am also going to be talking about what going through transition is like. Since i am at the begining i can hopefully make things very desriptive. I will be talking about every aspect of my transition on here. From the effects of horomones to how the community treats me on a daily basis. I will be talking about things that work for me and things that don't. Just keep in mind that im assumeing everyones transition is differnt so dont expect yours to be exactly like mine, i am truly blessed to have close friends and family who are more accepting than the average family. (based on past expiernce not sure how things will turn out throughout my transition obv) so wether you are interested in my life or you want to know what its like for transgendered people going through transition or if you are just plain bored and you are going to use my blogs as a means of what i excepect minimal entertainment, i hope you find my blog helpful in anyway and also am looking forward to any and all input (unless its plain out bashing of LGBT) Thank you for reading <3

Deidcated to my mother

I am in understanding that my mother will most likely never ever read this but i just wanted to post this anyway.
Mom you have always been there for me and stood up for me wether i was right or wrong. You loved me unconditionally despite my failures. When i failed you held me up when i achieved you made sure to make me know you were proud. You have taught me just about everything in life. From how to trust to how to love. How to feel happiness. How to be strong and proud. How to stand tall! and how to be modest. You have taught me soo many things and even after all this time through my life you continue to teach me. I have not ever once in my life found someone as strong-willed (or stubborn XD lol) and inspring as you. Because of your inspiration and love i am able to excel in everything i do. If it wasnt for you i wouldn't be a leader in the work place. i wouldn't be able to stand up for myself or the under dog. I wouldn't be able to take negitivity of any kind. But bc of you i am able to amazing things and inspire others (hopefully) My relationship with you has been the strongest relationship i have ever had and will ever had. No matter what obstacles come our way in the future i hope that we can remain close. I hope that when i tell you about my transition that you will still love me the same as your child. Because even though im not your son i am still your child. and no matter what happens and no matter how you react i will ALWAYS UNCONDITIONALLY love you. And if we grow distant (really really really hope thats not the case) you will still be my inspiration, idol, role model but most of all my mom. i love you so much and i am so lucky god has blessed me with such an amazing friend within my life! <3

Name?

Ok so what is a blog without discussions and input so im hopeing to get some input on a name. Im not sure if i should go with Allison or Nicole. I like the sound of Allie more than Nichole or Nikki but i feel like i would respond better Nichole than Allison, How ever i feel like i would respond better to Allie than Nikki and bc i like short nicknames that involve your name i would most likely prefer Allie... Also i dont want my name to be super uncommon and im not sure how commone Allison and Nichole are... Any Input?

therapist and horomones!!!!!!¡!

I just realized i havent told you all my name. well honestly im having a hard time deciding (still on cell sorry for errors) between Allison (Allie for short) or Nicole (Nikki as an alternate) i like them both and im also attatched to the other versions more.( i like having a shorter or alternate type of name instead of using the actually name for some reason) im leaning more towards Allie but idk . anyway ive been seeing a therapist lately and talking with her about being trans and transitioning. After a few months of talking about how i was going to proceed i finally got my letter of approval to undergo HRT (Horomone replacement therapy) !!!! im soooo excited and scared at the same time. excited bc it will help me look and feel more feminine! However i am also scarred bc i still haven't told my parents about me going through with being trans and i know im going to have to tell them bc i need thier support in all of this. I just don't know how to tell them in a way that they'll understand that this isn't a choice nor something that should be looked at like a "problem" bc in my eyes the only problem (and regret) is that i took this long to finally sort and get on track.. however in all honesty i wasnt ready for the challanges back in my teen years (wish i was but i wasnt). Part of me wants to just show them this blog so that maybe it can help explain things and how i feel without being interrupted or haveing my words twisted. but then again maybe the things on this blog can be twisted into the wrong way as well. Any way so after i got the letter i was literrally soo happy that i after i put the letter in an envelope (so it doesnt get wrinkled) i put my headphones in and started singing and dancing out loud all over my apartment not careing who walked in! After that i immediatly contacted the nearest healthcare provider that could oversee HRT for M2F trans. (which is unfortunaly a city about 8 hours away. basically bc the one doctor in town that can isn't takeing any new patients curently.) they let me know all the tests i need to get before the first visit which is when i immediatly called my family doctor and asked to be sceduled for a full blood panel. (which at the time i didnt realize how many differnt tests consited of a full blood panel so he insisted we talk in person) i visited with my family doctor 3 days ago and we talked about the tests i need (I of course told him that im trans bc it would be stupid and pointless not to tell him) he then schduled me for multiple tests and also a recheck of my thyroid (ill go into detail why he wanted to check my thyroid on a differnt post.. its kind of humiliating.) the following day i got the tests done at my local womens health center (typically womens health centers have cheaper rates and when it comes to lab work they dont care about gender.) they told me that my results will come late friday or early monday which they will then fax it immediatly to my family doctor. So hear i am friday morning up really early bc i just cant sleep XD. once these test results come in i am calling the clinic in the other city to set up an appointment so that i can finally get on horomones. hope nothing goes wrong *fingers crossed* well i think i will end this post there (also this is probly going to be the only day i do this many posts basically bc its new. but i will be most likely blogging daily once i get the hang of this whole blogging thing! <3  )

more on my current situation and a lil bit of my past

so as i was saying how could i prove to them that this is who i am? i tried again after getting caught with alchol and drunk lol. told my mom how i dont feel like im living my life. she and i cried but i think she cried bc i was drinking. my parents still dont know how often i got drunk back then = /. My gf at the time continued to support me but didnt pushe towards it. she always said she doesnt care if i transition or not as long as i was happy with the desicion. My mom related being trans to being addiction and that my gf was being an enabler. i can understand that no mother or fathrr want a trans child. and i also understand that it must be soo hard for them. i know it is for me. well after the comparing i decided to push feminity away bc of the way it affected my mom.  I dont know if she knows how I much I TRULY care about what she thinks about me but it matters SOOO much which is why it killed me that i didnt feel like the son she gave birth to. so i kept my being trans to myself  which caused me to go in a self descructive spiral ultimatly pushing away the greatest friend i have ever had (my gf/highschool sweetheart) I have been sad and isolated since my graduation and promised myself that once i moved out of my parents house i would gun straight into transition to get a hold of my life finally. so here i am 21 years old now (so much time has passed grr!) and im in tge begining of my transition and i am not ashamed of being trans in fact im done with shame im TRANS AND PROUD! i want to personally say im sorry to my mom and dad but i cant just cope and hope that this is just a phase bc i dont belive a phase last from age 6-21 and im sorry that i havent told you that im begining transition and i hope that you understand and support me bc i need friends and family more than i have ever needed you all in my life before. i also want to say sorry to my ex gf (dove) for pushing you away so far and i hope your doing fine (heard you were getting married and i wish i could be there even though i know you will never come across this blog lol) And dont get this confused, im not sorry im trans the part im sorry for is how hard me being trans is going to be for you. trust me its just as hard if not harder for me. i love you all! <3

my first blog!

Hey everyone this is my first ever blog so i don't really know what im doing so if anyone has any tips or input it would be greatly appriciated! :) I'm just going to start off by saying im doing this post from a smart phone so if there is spelling errors from lousy typeing i'm sorry in advance! <3 ok so as for about my self i am transgendered M2F to be exact i have identified this way since i was about 6-7 years old (identified to myself) i thought something was wrong with me for feeling this way when i was that age so i kept it a secret from friends and family even though i strongly wanted to tell my mother who is def. the closest person to me then and now. it wasn't till i was about 15 that i actually told a friend who supported and listned to me. (i miss her sooo much it's crazy) after i told her i told my mom and she took it. well like any careing mother should. she wasnt mad or dissapointed in me like i expected rather she was curious. she asked my things like how long ive felt this way and such. She asked if i liked boys, which im kind of in a state where i dont know wether i like girls or boys more but more on that in a later post. my mom stayed up late doing research. (shes a strong willed women who likes to know all of the facts which is probly why i respect her sooo much. shes like my role model bc of how strong and caring she is.) the next time we talked about she started being assertive saying that this time in my life can be confusing bc of all the horomones going through my body that bc of that it could just be a phase and told me to take my time in this bc shes read stories of people who go through transition and end up regretting it. after that she was more in the mind set that this is a phase that will pass. at that point in time i was angry and confused. i didnt really know what to do with myself. i thought things like "she coild be right" so i tried my besr to ignore this part of my self. tried pushing away from the femme side and put on a mask for the whole world to see. i dated girls, played a lot of games, did my best to be one of the guys  and as time went on i felt worse and worse about my self. nothing i did would make me happy and i constantly felt disgusted with myself. looking in the mirror always botherd me but when i tried denying to myself that i was teansgendered it seemed to just KILL ME. i started to abuse marjauna and alchol bc they were the only things that dulled the pain. smoked so much that i just seemed to not care much about anything . had no ambition. but even though it helped i was still crying to myself constantly finding myself on the bathroom floor cutting myself. drinking seemed to solve and not solve things. when drunk in front of others id be cocky and angry but the moment i was alone id curl up and bawl my eyes out. i dated a girl who i came out to with my "issue" as i saw it.. at firsr she started crying bc she thought i was breaking up with her but after we talked about it we decided to stay together and she was sooo supportive of me. i felt comfortable with her and she encouraged me to transition and be true to myself. i was 17 around this time. i researched transitio  but was terrified of the idea bc i am super sensitive about my appearnce and dont do well with critisizm (i cant spell sorry!) and i was also skeptical on how my parents would react bc after trying to prove masculanity how can i prove thiS ISNT A PHASE!? anyway thats it for this post. sorry its so long.. the first few will be lol thanks for reading <3 (: