my first blog!

Hey everyone this is my first ever blog so i don't really know what im doing so if anyone has any tips or input it would be greatly appriciated! :) I'm just going to start off by saying im doing this post from a smart phone so if there is spelling errors from lousy typeing i'm sorry in advance! <3 ok so as for about my self i am transgendered M2F to be exact i have identified this way since i was about 6-7 years old (identified to myself) i thought something was wrong with me for feeling this way when i was that age so i kept it a secret from friends and family even though i strongly wanted to tell my mother who is def. the closest person to me then and now. it wasn't till i was about 15 that i actually told a friend who supported and listned to me. (i miss her sooo much it's crazy) after i told her i told my mom and she took it. well like any careing mother should. she wasnt mad or dissapointed in me like i expected rather she was curious. she asked my things like how long ive felt this way and such. She asked if i liked boys, which im kind of in a state where i dont know wether i like girls or boys more but more on that in a later post. my mom stayed up late doing research. (shes a strong willed women who likes to know all of the facts which is probly why i respect her sooo much. shes like my role model bc of how strong and caring she is.) the next time we talked about she started being assertive saying that this time in my life can be confusing bc of all the horomones going through my body that bc of that it could just be a phase and told me to take my time in this bc shes read stories of people who go through transition and end up regretting it. after that she was more in the mind set that this is a phase that will pass. at that point in time i was angry and confused. i didnt really know what to do with myself. i thought things like "she coild be right" so i tried my besr to ignore this part of my self. tried pushing away from the femme side and put on a mask for the whole world to see. i dated girls, played a lot of games, did my best to be one of the guys  and as time went on i felt worse and worse about my self. nothing i did would make me happy and i constantly felt disgusted with myself. looking in the mirror always botherd me but when i tried denying to myself that i was teansgendered it seemed to just KILL ME. i started to abuse marjauna and alchol bc they were the only things that dulled the pain. smoked so much that i just seemed to not care much about anything . had no ambition. but even though it helped i was still crying to myself constantly finding myself on the bathroom floor cutting myself. drinking seemed to solve and not solve things. when drunk in front of others id be cocky and angry but the moment i was alone id curl up and bawl my eyes out. i dated a girl who i came out to with my "issue" as i saw it.. at firsr she started crying bc she thought i was breaking up with her but after we talked about it we decided to stay together and she was sooo supportive of me. i felt comfortable with her and she encouraged me to transition and be true to myself. i was 17 around this time. i researched transitio  but was terrified of the idea bc i am super sensitive about my appearnce and dont do well with critisizm (i cant spell sorry!) and i was also skeptical on how my parents would react bc after trying to prove masculanity how can i prove thiS ISNT A PHASE!? anyway thats it for this post. sorry its so long.. the first few will be lol thanks for reading <3 (: