more on my current situation and a lil bit of my past

so as i was saying how could i prove to them that this is who i am? i tried again after getting caught with alchol and drunk lol. told my mom how i dont feel like im living my life. she and i cried but i think she cried bc i was drinking. my parents still dont know how often i got drunk back then = /. My gf at the time continued to support me but didnt pushe towards it. she always said she doesnt care if i transition or not as long as i was happy with the desicion. My mom related being trans to being addiction and that my gf was being an enabler. i can understand that no mother or fathrr want a trans child. and i also understand that it must be soo hard for them. i know it is for me. well after the comparing i decided to push feminity away bc of the way it affected my mom.  I dont know if she knows how I much I TRULY care about what she thinks about me but it matters SOOO much which is why it killed me that i didnt feel like the son she gave birth to. so i kept my being trans to myself  which caused me to go in a self descructive spiral ultimatly pushing away the greatest friend i have ever had (my gf/highschool sweetheart) I have been sad and isolated since my graduation and promised myself that once i moved out of my parents house i would gun straight into transition to get a hold of my life finally. so here i am 21 years old now (so much time has passed grr!) and im in tge begining of my transition and i am not ashamed of being trans in fact im done with shame im TRANS AND PROUD! i want to personally say im sorry to my mom and dad but i cant just cope and hope that this is just a phase bc i dont belive a phase last from age 6-21 and im sorry that i havent told you that im begining transition and i hope that you understand and support me bc i need friends and family more than i have ever needed you all in my life before. i also want to say sorry to my ex gf (dove) for pushing you away so far and i hope your doing fine (heard you were getting married and i wish i could be there even though i know you will never come across this blog lol) And dont get this confused, im not sorry im trans the part im sorry for is how hard me being trans is going to be for you. trust me its just as hard if not harder for me. i love you all! <3